When I was young, my dad had a dog sled sculpture on his desk with the inscription If You’re Not the Lead Dog the View Never Changes. Looking back, it was a strange Wolf of Wallstreet-ish thing to have, but at the time I nodded knowingly. It was the 80’s after all and the seed of ambition planted early. A few months ago I texted a friend about ambition being tied to likeability or niceness, a concern that feels decidedly gendered.
The America Ferrera monologue in Barbie is top of mind, mainly because my daughters were begging to watch it and we finally caved. We figured they’d like the opening dance sequence and then lose interest, but they are obsessed! They probably watched it a dozen times over the winter break — we even listen to the playlist on the way to school, though I’m pretty sure the irony is lost on Faye as she walks around singing Matchbox 20. “I wanna push you around” sounds hilarious coming from a 6-year-old girl.
In her speech, America Ferrera has a line about how “you’re supposed to love being a mother, but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time.” That one is rattling around in my brain.
I took advantage of a fun Black Friday sale and hired an editor to review a chunk of my manuscript, offering big picture feedback on some pages I’ve been avoiding. In early 2020 I underwent a clinical trial that dovetailed with the start of the pandemic. My job was furloughed, I had a toddler and a five-month-old and I was floundering. I wrote, “I didn’t know who I was supposed to be so I became the only thing that made sense or that I could control. I became a good mother.”
And the editor left this comment, “I feel like crying. Because while that’s good, I don’t think it’s enough for the narrator.” And she’s right. It wasn’t enough for me. While I really, really love being a mom, it doesn’t fill me up all the way. There’s that idea of ambition again. I still need something that’s just for me. I am so much more alive when I’m excited about a project or chasing an idea. It turns out, it’s better for the people in my life too. Without something to focus on, something that’s mine alone, I become grouchy and lazy and terrified that whatever creativity I had is lost forever.
But, as a mother, it can feel hard to voice that longing. The “I want more than this” appetite or desire. Like it says something about your ability to love or parent, as though it’s an either/or. Nonsense! I’ve always been ambitious, even when I’m not entirely sure what I’m striving towards. There’s this inner hum. I don’t know if it’s nice or likeable, but that’s the beautiful thing about getting older. I no longer care.
“I want to be a teacher and Taylor Swift when I grow up,” Faye tells me.
“How fun is that?” I say back. “I can’t wait to see it.” You go, girl. Stay hungry.
Tickets to see Waxahatchee went on sale last week at one of my favorite venues, Gundlach Bundschu Winery, where we get to lie in the grass at a tiny outdoor amphitheater. Her new single is soooo good. Listen here
I finally introduced the girls to Princess Bride and, let me tell you, it’s still the best. Billy Crystal! Mandy Patinkin! A baby Robin Wright! No notes.
Columbia University’s Climate School discovered that, on average, a liter of plastic bottled water contains 240,000 detectable plastic fragments!!! Terrifying! I cannot stop thinking about it. Read Here
A friend recommended the Read This podcast and now I’m happily working my way through delightful, cozy interviews with my favorite authors. I especially loved the last episode of 2023 where the host heads to the Fitzroy Pool and checks out what people are reading.
The new Sezane winter collection just dropped and there are so many good knits, like this fisherman-esque one that feels a little bit like a Doen find, but at half the price. Sezane Andie Cardigan $150
This entire look! But what really gets me is that perfect green knit over the striped shirt. Sezane Samuel Jumper $140
My soon-to-be 7-year-old has been asking for her own room 😭 Although I’m not sure I’m ready to turn the playroom/guest room/office into her bedroom, when I do I’d love to paint the ceiling a British-feeling blue and add this pleated shade in a cozy, flattering peach color. Dreamy. Hay Matin Flush Mount $180
My kids got their hair cut recently by the very stylish Sarah at Hail Mary Barber and I wanted every single thing that she was wearing. Ever since, I’ve had a tab open for this Jungmaven navy sweatshirt. It was the best fitting sweatshirt I’ve ever seen and somehow polished looking? She wore it with cream-colored Rudy Jude jeans and black leather Birkenstocks with black socks. It was an excellent outfit. Jungmaven Bonfire Raglan Sweatshirt $98
Check out these Ikea shopping bags!! They are tooth-fairy money priced and so, so excellent. Ikea SÄCKKÄRRA Checked Bag and Yellow Stripe $2.99
I snagged the last one of these very cool Kule sweaters in a perfect coffee color during their big sale — not to rub it in since it’s sold out, but it’s such a versatile color and pretty much goes with everything. This and this also scratch that beautiful espresso-colored itch.
As someone who runs hot at night (hello, perimenopause!), I am looking to replace our old duvet with something lighter and fluffier. I want to feel like I’m sleeping at an expensive hotel at all times! It also has to be green certified because I plan on spending so much time there. This one is described as “lofty” which feels exactly right. Coyuchi Three Season Down Duvet, currently 20% off
My mom delighted me with an entire tin of hand lotions and lip balms for Christmas and I have been excitedly testing them all out. Two standouts (in addition to my beloved Ilia Lip Wrap): the Tatcha Kissu Lip Mask and the Rbow Youth Preserve Hand Cream. Both really deliver on the hydration front.
I just noticed a crack in the top of my phone case which is all the excuse I need to upgrade to this fun one that feels very Field Blend-y! Etsy Checkerboard Phone Case $22.99
Shopping the Anine Bing sale and these cat-eye sunglasses caught my eye. A new shape for me, but I like how dramatic they are, like something Blondie would wear. Also, they’re are sold out in my size, but I love these tall rain boots in a cool matte black. If you’re a size 6 or a 9 and up, check them out! Anine Bing Jodie Sunglasses $140
Have a great week!
#2 is SO my dopamine look for this gray day. LOVE!
This piece = 🤌.